Seth Brown: Seth Sleazy’s Rent to Buy Center | Columnists

Friends, have you ever wanted to buy a sofa three times as expensive? Then I have good news for you! Sleazy Seth’s rent-to-own center offers a wide variety of appliances and furniture that you can buy for only three times their price, sometimes even more!

A couch and loveseat that cost $850? How about $2,450! A sectional sofa that sells for just under $1,000? Yours for only $3,200! We mark up the price for you and pass the savings on to our CEO! Pay just $30 a week now, and every week for the next two years. It’s like buying an expensive sofa and then paying for two more expensive sofas that you will never receive. Very practical if you don’t have room for three sofas!

People ask me how I got the idea, and it’s actually very simple. The stores with the best deals were offering “three for the price of one” sales, and I thought to myself, what would make the most money for me as a store owner?

Then it hit me: one for the price of three!

In six months you will have paid us the full price of the item, but then you will have to pay that full price again and then pay it again just for luck (ours, not yours) . And if you miss a few payments, even after paying more than the full cost, we’ll simply take the item back so you have nothing left, and resell it to someone else.

Now I know what you’re thinking, why should you incur a monthly debt to us that will ruin your finances by paying too much for furniture you can’t really afford? Well, that’s our business model! You pay the money, we still own the furniture! Can’t afford it? Of course you can’t! If you could, you’d buy it at a store where you only pay the list price or even less. But we’re happy to help you overpay for our furniture, by helping ourselves, with one of our many financial options!

Whether you need high-fee check cashing, high-fee cards, or expensive cash advances, anything that gets us all your money is a service we’re happy to provide! Don’t want to pay 12% APR (annual percentage rate) on your line of credit? Why not try our 400% APR payday loans? If you need to borrow $300, we’ll bill you $50 every two weeks until you owe us $1,200 by the end of the year.

Some critics have described Sleazy Seth’s Rent-To-Own Center as “a predatory lender that takes advantage of financially distressed customers by locking them into costly bonds that perpetuate a cycle of debt and prevent them from saving money. to improve their situation. .” But to these people, I say, “Nuh-uh! La la la la I can’t hear you!

And of course, you might be thinking, “If I can save some money, wouldn’t it be a lot cheaper to buy electronics somewhere else?” ” Probably! But for customers who have cash, we offer our special “Money Man” option, where you only pay TWICE the price of the item, as long as it’s paid off within a few months. Paying twice as much for something might not seem like a bargain, but keep in mind that compared to our regular contracts, it’s actually a lot!

So whether you’re looking to pay twice as much for a big-screen TV, three times as much for a recliner, or just want to borrow money at unethical fees, come to the rent-to-own center from Sleazy Seth, where we specialize in taking big bucks from the people who can least afford it.

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor author, the author of “My Toaster’s Disapproval”, and borrows issues. His website is RisingPun.com.

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